We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The best revenge is premature balding
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
