her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
