I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
