im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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