Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
