I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
