I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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