How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
