I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
