when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
