Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
