A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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