pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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