I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
