Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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