Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
