Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
