Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
