Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
