I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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