forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
