the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
