i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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