My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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