Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
