Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
