Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dating After Heartbreak
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now