mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
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I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock