Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.