any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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