If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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