If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
