So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
