lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
