Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
