how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
