I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
