Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
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Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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