When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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