O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
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I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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