Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
