Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
