How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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