Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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