I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
