I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
