OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
