we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
