I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
