Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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