they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
