Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
