You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
