Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
