Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
