just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
