Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
