remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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