i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
