I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
