Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
