Your face is a jimmy john
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
